I’d like to begin with something that led to my insecurity, and in the hopes that it won’t be a part of it anymore.
Bullying is undeniably immoral, no matter the range of the bully; it’s just not the right thing to do. I’m pretty certain that everybody has their own story and experience related to bullying. Well, if you don’t have one, you may call yourself quite lucky since you don’t have to experience what most kids have.
At one time, I used to be fat, ugh I know I am still but I was fat not in a good way. I used to be ignorant, indifferent, and certainly you totally didn’t want to get close to someone who wouldn’t notice your existence. With those kind of personalities, the face that I had seemed fiercer, not to mention that I basically don’t have friendly smiley face. So, people started to judge me, someone who is indifferent, fierce, not open to others, let alone have many friends. Somehow I was pleased with the kind of girl I’ve become. It felt like I didn’t have to deal with some kind of random folks who talked shit about someone’s physics. Every time they saw me I just needed to give my fiercest look that made everyone was irritated.
I was clueless why did I do what I did; I thought it’s just me, the way I am, the best version of myself. I could be me and I didn’t give a damn what others think. Living your life, enjoy and that’s it. But, I was utterly wrong. As the time goes by, I need to mingle, interact with new people, I am obliged to deal with numerous kinds of human, and I can’t just live in my own world and set my own boundaries at all times. I grasp that I wouldn’t live in this small hometown for all time, I will move somewhere someday. Generally speaking, living on your own out there isn’t going to get easier. I finally found out that the tangible motive I had all this time to be me, was self-defence. I acknowledge that I was too shy to admit it. It turned out to affect my self-confidence. Consequently, I hated when someone stared at me for whatsoever reason they had, I didn’t like to have eye contact with anyone so I would just look anywhere or turn my face away at any time I communicated to people because I would always assume the worst of me in their minds. It constantly happened, assuming the worst of the whole thing that I needed to deal with was my forte. Those insecurities were built one by one, and then became enormous since I had it when I was 12 years old.
Indeed, 12 years old. What can you expect from a 12 years old kid?
Of course I grew up in a lovely family; I spent most of my childhood life with parents and siblings. Though I had nicknames from family due to the kind of culture that I lived in, it was still acceptable. As soon as I enrolled in junior high school, I got new friends obviously. I began to discover who I really was and what I was going to do during high school. It was great, and delightful. I was thrilled to bits knowing that I would have new kind of life there. I genuinely encouraged myself to walk alone in the middle of the crowd right after my dad dropped me off in front of the gate at new school. I absolutely didn’t recognize anyone, despite the fact that I knew some old friends of mine and neighbors would be there too. That was the very first time I was able to cope with things on my own until today, knowing I was always with my uncle’s daughter since I was a baby. The hilarious thing was, I wouldn’t even want to go to school if she didn’t. I relied on her a lot. It just felt so odd to start speaking or doing anything without someone that I knew that time.
Long story short, I had this class where I met my close friends for the first time. Our relationships remain good until now, well that’s amazing. At that time there was this PE (Physical Education) subject, basically you got to run, played the balls of any kind, it could be football, basketball, volleyball and whatnot. There was also a running challenge in the back field at school, I knew I didn’t get used to run, and probably so did the other kids. I discerned that I was not going to win and surely it didn’t matter, but what mattered was when I started to run some friends of mine were shouting at me a term. They were addressing me as a specific animal due to the way I ran. I heard it the first time they called me that, I thought they were going to stop but they kept mentioning that name continuously during the PE class even afterwards. For a 12 years old kid, you must be thinking what was wrong with yourself that made your very fun classmates laughing at you even when you sat there quietly and wondered why, ultimately did not do anything but they retained making fun of you. I didn’t get why people especially kids in my school were so harsh. I felt like I was a laughing stock for them. In fact, most likely they thought or now you think my reaction was too much for what happened in my past. However, bully is still bully, it doesn’t matter how old you get, and if you’re the bully then you’re entirely wrong.
Since that day, the atmosphere of new school, friends, and teachers that appeared exciting at the beginning was gone. Even PE is the most subject that I avoided for the next 6 years; I wish it’s just vanished. I just jumped from loving to loathing. I thought they didn’t like me, I was totally bad or they refused to be friend with someone who had the kind of shape like I did. Besides, what made it worse, the first person that I had the courage for trying to talk to at school, and later became my chair mate was one of those people who mocked me, called me out by animal name. I loathed school entirely and the whole lot in it. I didn’t trust anyone but myself. The alteration of me in the first year of high school wasn’t cool at all. I was supposed to learn and find out who I really was instead of dealing with bullies. The insecurities I had were getting deeper, so the only way I had was ignoring them, pretending I didn’t hear anything every time they called me except my real name.
The ignoring habit turned out to be the favourite thing I do. Nobody called me that name or any other names that directed to the way I look anymore since I decided to be as fiercest as I could be and looked away on every occasion someone was making laugh at me. At the same time, I felt depressed knowing others who had similar experience like I did just grin and bear with it. It’s definitely going beyond a joke. They shouldn’t allow people to make law of their own bodies; most significantly people around them should’ve taken action for bullies. For the most part, bullying only takes five seconds, but the victim recalls it for a lifetime. The reason why I never call someone out of their real name, because I know what it feels like, how it affects your life, your confidence, your character. I wish I could do something more. I was too afraid to stand out for the victims of bullies even for myself, I had to struggle on my own without telling anyone. I couldn’t speak out due to the past experience, assuming the worst of people’s mind, I surely would just get another bully, and I wouldn’t get justice. Remembering what they did, the way they called me with full of laugh and the fact that I had to deal with myself alone was too painful. I often tortured myself with no eating while I wanted to scream out loud to them that I starved enough already, hiding, feeling insecure, then forced to get back to normal at home so that my family wouldn’t notice what happened to me. I had to live with for years.
I personally admit that it took me 10 years to accept myself, for who I really am. The way I think, talk, and move shouldn’t be determined by anything or anyone. It should be because of me. I do what I think is right, I love myself both physically and emotionally, I’ll always love me as I am the odd one out here. Today I believe the shape that I’ve got isn’t a curse that I would be ashamed of. I am so proud to have it for the reason that not many people have the same thing like I do. I know I am still working on it though, bettering me but until then I will always love myself as well as I have faith in that I only accept the love I think I deserve.